As a write this blog post drinking my morning coffee, the birds are chirping and the sun is shining. I dread only one thing; I must go to the gym in an hour where I pay someone to yell at me to lift heavy things and put them down until I’m too tired. While this ordeal only mildly bothers me, it’s more so the people at the gym and the things they do that bother me. I must disclose that I work at Lifetime and therefore have a free membership there and some of the problems I am having might be exclusive to Lifetime or other fancy gyms.
- Lifetime is basically one giant runway show for the ladies. Every time I show up to do my sweaty workout, I walk into the locker room and see women applying makeup before their workout. Their hair is in an overly perky pony tail, they just reapplied their cat eyeliner and lipstick. Meanwhile, my tired self put my hair in a lazy messy pony tail because I can’t remember the last time I washed my hair and or brushed it and I sure as hell don’t have makeup on because it would run down my face from the tears and sweat of my workout. I wouldn’t feel bad about looking like crap at the gym if it wasn’t for the large population of women who try so hard at the gym and make me look bad by comparison. In addition to this makeup nonsense, everywhere you look is expensive workout wear. Lululemon for miles and miles and whatever other brands I can’t/ don’t really want to afford. I don’t understand the concept of paying 100 bucks for a shirt that I’m going to sweat in and roll around on the dirty gym matts on. I do understand wanting quality workout gear with nice materials, but I know for a fact you don’t have to pay 100+ to get them. At the end of the day, people can do what they want and pay for what they want, but it still makes me salty that I look bad going to workout in just a crappy t shirt and all these girls are trying so hard. I wish people would just focus on the workout itself rather than trying to look nice while working out.
- If I’m working out, and you’re a 40+ year old male, I better not catch you stopping your workout to stare at me. Yeah. You heard that right. This has actually happened to me and I would be willing to bet my life’s savings that it has happened to other women at the gym. One time I was minding my own business doing some squats and I turned around and saw a man that had literally put down his own weights and was just looking at me workout. I felt so uncomfortable, and I let him know. I yelled what are you looking at and he immediately walked away. I do not approve of people of either gender going to the gym to “workout” and then just people watch. It distracted me from my squats and no one should have to feel uncomfortable while working out. I feel gross just thinking about it. It’s simple, don’t be creepy, and mind your own business.
- People who occupy space on gym equipment and either just take selfies or text. Seriously, if you wanted to just play on your phone you should have just stayed at home and sat on your couch. MAYBE I WANT TO USE THAT PIECE OF EQUIPMENT AND YOUR ASS IS JUST SITTING ON IT TEXTING. This is extremely self explanatory and I don’t know why this even happens. If you go to the gym and do this, I promise everyone is judging you.
From this small list you might think that I hate the gym or something, but honestly I could write another post with a list of the things I love about it too. Every place has it’s drawbacks, but I still love Lifetime and a lot of the people in it. With that being said, that doesn’t mean there isn’t room for improvement.
Last night I had kind of a sad realization. I wake up, go to school, come home, eat a snack, go to work, come home, go to bed. My life has become a routine and is slowly blurring together and I’m really not a fan. The source of this monotony is my sleeping habits. Truth is, I sleep too much. I’m a sleep addict. If I had to pick between hanging out with friends and getting ten hours of sleep, I’m going to pick sleep every time. I’ve trained my body to be dependent on 9 to 10 hours of sleep. This has to change. In college I will probably not have this luxury. First of all, more than 8 hours of sleep is not healthy or beneficial. It just makes you tired and want to sleep more, which furthers my sleep dependent habits. Second, I feel like an extra two hours of being awake would give me time to do the things that make me happy. Last night I stayed up an extra two hours and happily did the things I used to do before sleep became the only thing on my mind. I drew for a little bit, took a nice bubble bath, meditated, and even cleaned up my room.
I also took time to talk with my mom for a half hour about life and school and other things. I miss that. I feel like I just share a space with my parents and barely really talk to them anymore because I’m always crabby from back pain, coming off pain meds, or not home at all. I need to make time for them too and sleep is getting in the way. Plus, in a few months I will be spending even less time with them. I’ll be three hours away and will no longer be able to ask my mom to make me an egg in the morning (I can make my own, but she’s better at it), or get in heated arguments with my dad over politics. It really dawned on me that these are the last few months of living with my parents all the time and I haven’t been appreciating it at all; I’ve only been looking forward to leaving. It’s crunch time to start savoring all the little moments I have with them before they’re gone. (I don’t mean dead gone, I mean the fact that I won’t live in my house anymore).
This all made me decide I really need to wean myself of sleeping for 10+ hours. I haven’t 100% decided what amount I should get, but I guess I need to experiment and find what amount of sleep makes me feel healthiest/ gives me the time to do the things that makes me happy. I don’t want to sleep my life away anymore.
Today I had the pleasure of participating in a 4 student panel where we presented to three different groups of teachers the student perspective of test induced anxiety. I was asked to do this by my grade level principal, and immediately said yes. Yesterday we met with the counselor who organized the whole thing and discussed what we each thought caused test anxiety. It dawned on me that I was going to have the opportunity to give teachers my 100% honest opinion on the way they teach their classes, and they would have no room for opposition. It felt powerful. I obviously wasn’t going to get to call out individual teachers (that would be mean), but I would be able to give feedback based on my four years here in hopes that they become better at their job and improve the educational environment here at Marquette.
Ironically, the actual event itself made me anxious. It was weird that for once I was the one presenting a powerpoint to the teachers and they were sitting in the desk intently listening. Some of them seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say, and I could tell that I was offering them advice to help out students. Other rolled their eyes at my honesty. I wasn’t surprised. We all struggle with taking criticism, but I was disappointed that some teachers here think they have no room to improve the anxiety levels in their classrooms. While I don’t like criticism, I try my best to see how it can make me a better person. If you think you’re already the best, then you’ll never improve.
I’m glad I participated, not only will teachers hopefully improve themselves, but this event really showed me that everyone does have room to grow. It’s not really a bad thing either, we are all human and if we accept that we are only human, then we will have no trouble changing ourselves for the better. There is no benefit to thinking that you are already the best that you can be.
In addition to the changes that every other senior is facing around graduation time, I have a few more in addition. I’ve been making a habit of going to the gym every other day and eating a lot more. So far I’ve gained two pounds of muscle and I’m honestly pretty proud of myself. It is kind of hard psychologically though seeing myself become a little bit thicker when I’ve been stick thin (and complimented for being stick thin) my entire life. Since it is for the benefit of my health, I just need to suck it up and deal with it. I know that I’m the problem and no one is going to criticize me for becoming more muscular.
I have a boyfriend now, which is cool. He’s going to the same college as me in the fall, so there is actually hope for that situation. We’ve joked about how fun it will be to live down the hall from each other in comparison to being a half hour away from each other. Obviously we have to make it through the summer first, but I’m going to be optimistic. I’ve been a lot happier recently. I don’t know if it’s because of him or a combination of a lot of things, but it’s nice.
I’m trying to be more adult like. My whole life I’ve been somewhat of a slob. I suck at keeping my room, bathroom, and car clean. I’ve been trying to make more of an effort to keep these things clean by doing a little bit of work everyday rather than letting them become ridiculously dirty and having to deep clean them. It’s hard to break lazy habits. I’m honestly still not there yet. It’s hard to find the time to take care of all these things. I hope that in college I will have an easier time by having less stuff. Right now I have too much stuff. A large de-clutering event will need to occur soon. I also opened a savings account with my tax return check. I’m hoping that if I have a place to save money that I will be less likely to spend it. Who knows it might make no difference but I figured why not try. It’s also hard for me to save money when I know that on my eighteenth birthday I get a fat check from an insurance settlement (I got in a really bad car wreck when I was younger). It would be dumb of me to use that money for anything right now so I’ll have to figure out where I will put that so I can’t touch it.
This is a busy time of year. I need summer soon so I can feel like my life is in order again.
Sam made this for me and I’m eternally grateful. She’s so talented and it turned out amazing.
Oh jeez. Life lately has been somewhat chaotic. On top of the typical senioritis and graduation stuff, I’m still dealing with all my back stuff. To add another variable to my already convoluted equation, I’m seriously am now addicted to pain killers. I found this out the hard way when my doctor was out of town and I needed her to authorize a refill, but since she wasn’t here she couldn’t. It took three day for the authorization to go through and in that time I ran out. I puked my guts out and had the worst headache ever. I was moody and just feeling awful in general. I never ever imagined myself actually being physically addicted to something. I didn’t do anything wrong either, I took the medication pretty much as perscribed ( I have to take a little bit more because you grow a tolerance over time). Somehow doing that for two months has made me addicted to it. It’s the first thing I think about when waking up. I get anxious if I don’t know where my pill bottle is. I get sad when I come off of them. I’m a big believer that you can always learn something from bad situations. This has seriously taught me that you really shouldn’t judge people for being addicted to things. People stereotype addiction as some dude who decided to just start taking pain pills for fun and spends all their time and money on them. It’s not always that way. There’s a lot of people addicted to pain meds legally because doctors prescribe them so much. It could be your aunt or uncle, teacher, friend. It happens to normal/ respectable people.
The sad part is that this is all REALLY preventable. Unfortunately I live in Missouri where the government would literally rather me be addicted to pain killers than have medical marijuana. Marijuana is not addictive and doesn’t have withdrawal symptoms (besides maybe needing a nap or a snack). That’s really fucked up. These drugs are harming me and there’s a healthier option right under our nose, but somehow we haven’t started using it in place of long term painkillers. I really hope that we change our ways soon. Lives are being lost or ruined because of opiates.
In happier news, I like a boy a lot. I met him in a Truman group chat and we started texting each other and really hit it off. We’ve hung out a bunch and gone on cute dates like picnics, canoeing, dinners, or just hanging out. It feels nice to like someone again. I definitely missed it. It’s good for me to have more support in this rough time. My optimism has also especially increased since hanging out with him.
I had to switch departments at work because I had to file a sexual harassment complaint against one of my coworkers so that’s weird, but the new department is cool and I’m now getting a lot more hours which means more money, which means more clothes.